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Why Confidence Matters

It’s just a simple word.

Confidence – at its heart, the belief and trust that we have in our ability to achieve the things we set out to do.

If we don’t have enough confidence, we run the risk of not engaging fully in life. We hold ourselves back from doing the things we truly aspire to do. The new job that you might want. The date you might like to go on. The project you might like to start. The dream that you’ve secretly been sitting on. We might not even start if we feel defeated before we even start. What’s the point? You can’t even do it anyway.

But there is a point. The point is that you were put on this earth to be fully alive and present, to unearth the magical delights of life, to uncover your purpose and live it, and to share your gifts with the world. It’s not talent that determines your success, it’s your attitude and the belief in yourself that determines who ultimately succeeds. You are not only stopping yourself from experiencing all that life has to offer, you are withholding yourself from giving your greatest gifts.

We weren’t born this way you know. Sure, genetics might have a thing or two to do with it, but you weren’t born to live with the breaks on. We are born full of life and potential, joyful and confident – ready to take on the world, quietly or by storm. Our purpose in life I believe is ultimately about uncovering who we truly are and watering the seed of potential within us.

But for some of us, the story changes. Somewhere we might have been reprimanded, scolded for something we shouldn’t have done. Our parents wanting the best for us may have focused on continuously helping us improve, but somewhere instilling the message that we are not good enough.

We are hardwired for belonging, it’s probably one of the things we crave most. And in order to belong, we learn to accommodate others, slowly moulding ourselves to fit in, but also losing touch with who we truly are. And with that, we also lose the belief we have in ourselves, the belief that we are good enough just as we are and that we can set out into the world with the belief that we can be and do great things.

But you see, it’s so silly isn’t it. We believed the story, but it was never true. You can find your way back again. You can reclaim the confidence that was always yours to begin with. I know, because I’ve walked the path of reclaiming confidence and courage.

I still walk it each and every day. Somedays it is effortless. It comes from knowing who I am and what matters to me, it comes from the scars and lessons that I’ve learned on the way, from getting a deeper understanding of who I truly am at heart. It comes from learning more about how our minds work, what messages we need to feed it and understanding that confidence comes from meeting your fears and moving through them.

Has this all been effortless? God no. I’ve learned through trial and tribulation, and some days I still struggle. The voice inside my head rearing its ugly head again saying I’m not good enough or some version of the story on repeat. Somedays I still believe it, until I wake up again and realise that I’ve fallen for its grasp again. I struggle, I stumble, I fall, and I get up again. Repeat. Some days the getting up again takes a little longer.

But I always get back up because I know that I don’t want to stop myself from doing the things I so desire. I have dreams to build, things to do, people and places I want to see, adventures I want to have, love that I want to feel within my bones.

And I want the same for you. I’m tired of seeing wonderful people holding themselves back because of a fear that has lodged in their mind that they are not capable or good enough. They are stories that have been created that aren’t based on truth.

I know somewhere you know this too. Confidence can be yours for the taking, in your own subtle or not so subtle way. It doesn’t even have to look pretty. All you must do is to start the journey. And if that first step is believing that you can cultivate confidence and reclaim it then that it is.

If this piece spoke to you in some way, I’d be so pleased to have you join me for my my workshop on 14 October (1-6pm) at The Practice. For further information, please see www.thepracticebali.com/events

 

The Courage to be Authentic

Every time a client shares their story, it strikes me how often it just comes down to the fact that they are scared to simply be who they are. How often a mask is put on, reality and truth not completely shared. The authentic self hidden from view.

What makes it so hard to be ourselves?

Somehow it would seem that it’s the easiest thing to do, just be you. Yet just being you can sometimes also be the most difficult thing to do. What stops us from respecting our own boundaries and truly owning who we are – rather than hiding our true feelings under a cloak of optimism and perfectionism? “Nothing wrong here, don’t come looking. We’re doing just fine!”

It’s not a story that is unknown to me. Being an only child of mixed heritage, the drive to belong has shaped my life for a long time. I simply wanted to fit in, I didn’t want to look different from my family, from friends around me – I just wanted to belong. Yet I often found that people picked up on my differences, sometimes with intense curiosity, other times with malice. I was acutely aware that I did not fit in and so I tried to mould myself: to be kind, to be smart, to be perfect.

My story is only an example, but in fact, I believe most of us hide our true selves in some way because of a deep-seated desire to belong and fit in. Over the years we cover all the sides of ourselves that we feel are not worthy of being seen. Somehow we are not right. For me it was not being white enough, not having straight eyes enough, not being extrovert enough. I can continue the story but this is not about “them”. Ultimately this is about what we ourselves believe to be true about ourselves.

We try to adhere to a set of parental or societal standards that we believe dictates who we “should” be. We create a mental self-image that we feel we have no choice other than to stick to. And we hide our true feelings and what we perceive as weaknesses. Rather than just simply the vulnerability that comes from being a human being. We try to cover up the feelings of not enough, when really what we should have said is you belong and you are loved.

As we grow older, the layers just keep being put on and on, until at some point we ask ourselves: who am I truly underneath all of these layers? We end up feeling lost, disconnected from passion and a sense of purpose because in many ways we have lost ourselves. We run on automatic pilot, ticking all the boxes that we feel we must tick somehow. And if we’re not careful, time will just pass by. Leading us to a moment when we come to realize, I’ve lived my life according to what I thought everyone else wished.

Ultimately, I believe our purpose in life is to become ourselves again as that is when we will shine brightest. The process of finding out who you truly are at your core can be a slow peeling back of the layers. Again and again, seeing underneath and discovering what is truly yours.

Is this my belief or someone else’s?

Is this my dream or someone else’s?

Is this my path or someone else’s?

Is this mine or someone else’s?

So how do you start peeling back the layers and be yourself?

  • At its simplest, by being curious and asking yourself questions. What is it that I truly want in my life? What are my plans for my work or career? How do I want to spend my time and energy? By stepping away from your daily life and bringing in time for reflection. Journaling, spending time in nature, alone time, talking to a friend or loved one, or seeking support from a coach or mentor.
  • By having the courage to get closer to what might not be working for you in your life. Where are you sitting in dis-ease? Where lies your discomfort and what does it have to tell you? Have the courage to listen and investigate. It is only by being honest and looking at what is not working for you that you can then find ways to improve things.
  • Dare to show your true feelings more. This doesn’t need to happen all at once, but catch yourself out when you’re using verbose language to cover up what it is you truly want to say. Be more open and direct. Speak up about your feelings. Wear the clothes that make you feel good. Do the crazy little things that make you happy.

Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes.

  • Stop listening to everyone’s well-intended advice and check in with yourself first. What is your experience? What is your body telling you? Form your own opinion first and then consult with a few trusted others. Be the one who decides what you take on.
  • Accept yourself with all your imperfections and quirks. We are all imperfect beings, that is simply the nature of who we are. Bring softness and kindness to yourself in the way that you speak and treat yourself. It is only if you can do this for yourself that you can genuinely treat anyone else with the same consideration and compassion.

This is a process of discovery that requires you to bring in an open heart and mind. It asks curiosity to see what is truly there, compassion to be gentle with yourself and courage to unfold each layer. Yet with each unfolding and each discovery comes a greater sense of who you are, what you are here to do and how you truly want to live your life. And with that, comes a greater sense of happiness and meaningfulness. Take this journey my dear one, it is one of the most important ones you will make.

– Photo by Michel Paz

Life, love and what truly matters

Life is always full of surprises, some good, some not so great. Sometimes life is turned upside down when you least expect it. That is exactly where I found myself some time ago when my dad unexpectedly had life-saving emergency surgery and our time spent back in Europe took a very different turn. Gratefully, my dad survived and while his recovery process will still take some time, I’m confident and positive that he will get there.

We often learn the most when life takes us down a path we don’t necessarily want to be on. It’s painful and shitty sometimes, but at times we will all find ourselves down in the trenches, a little bruised and weary. We often waste our energy on fighting the reality of what is: wishing it away, which we all know is futile. Once we’ve gone through the initial spasms of fighting what is, we’re better off using our energy on dealing effectively with what lies before us.

If we can find a way to open up to the experience of our life, accepting things for what they are, you will flow more with life and ride the waves – some soft, some hard – and experience the joy inherent in living. Life is constant in that it always changes. The ups and downs are an integral experience of this adventure and present us with huge opportunities for growth. 

I view life as a continuous path of learning, and here’s some of what I picked up on this latest adventure. I hope it will serve you in some way.

  • Life is simple. When life throws you a curveball, your priorities and values often become crystal clear. We meet who we truly are and what matters most to us. While at some level I knew this already, the importance of the relationship with my parents moved right to the forefront. If the situation would call for it, I would drop it all to be with them. No questions asked.

There is something immensely powerful about being confronted with mortality – your own or that of a loved one. But it is a reality that none of us can get away from. It’s something we often don’t want to think about, but I would actually urge you to do so. Why would you wait until the end of your life to look back and see whether you’ve made the right choices? Why not determine first what is most important to you and then live your life accordingly?

  • Time is what you make it – it’s truly a mental construct. I thought I always had to be busy and had to be working. But the reality is you don’t. In Western culture, we have popularized the idea that we need to be busy to matter. We don’t. And many of the things that you think are important, just aren’t. Ultimately you will focus your time and effort on the things that matter most. When we’re truly focused, we get so much more done and in fact work most effectively.
  • Time is precious. Say what you need to say, do what you want to do. We don’t often live our lives with a sense of urgency, and I’m not necessarily saying we should all the time. But living with a sense of passion and purpose for your life is important. What you say and what you do matters. Your life counts. You matter. Live as the biggest version of yourself – otherwise, you’re selling the world short.
  • Be vulnerable. Ask for help. There’s nothing that builds community, friendship and intimacy more than vulnerability. Don’t make life harder than it needs to be. Share your feelings, and allow others to help you when they can. There are always things that we have to do ourselves, but why not enjoy the support and company of friends along parts of the way?
  • Put your oxygen mask on first. Self-love and self-care are essential to your ability to be there for others. They are not selfish acts, they allow you to show up in the world and for others in the best way possible. If life turns really hectic, find small moments of peace and create more breathing space for yourself. Literally – even if it’s a brief minute, feel the ground beneath your feet and take a deep breath – it’s your internal power source.
  • Find gratitude. There is always something to be grateful for. The air that you breathe, the fact that you have woken up to experience another day, the opportunity to learn from whatever you are being presented with now. While I never would have wished for my dad to become so unwell, I’m immensely grateful that I was able to be there during this time, and that the bond as a family unit was cemented in love and care.

These may all seem like generalisations and they are. But we forget.

We forget because we take things for granted. We forget that it is not a given that we have our family and friends around us.  That we wake up each and every day and are able to live our lives. That we have our health, the ability to travel and see the world.

Life is precious. Don’t waste your time with things that ultimately don’t matter.

Focus your love, energy and attention on the people and the things that do. Whenever your time has come up, you will only remember the things that truly mattered: the people around you, the adventures and experiences you had, the legacy of what you left behind in the person that you were.

Live with intention my dear one, because you matter.

 

Mid-year check-in

Summer is officially in full-swing here in Europe. The streets of Amsterdam are packed with tourists, the canals are simply stunning and generally the pace of life here has just dropped a few notches.

I realized this was actually the perfect time of year to review the past 6 months and look ahead. Why not make use of the summer months to reconnect to yourself and see how you’re doing?

Here are some of the questions that were helpful to me. Give them a go one afternoon or evening, and see what comes out. You can also use some of the questions as journal prompts and simply write. It doesn’t have to be beautiful, just simply write and get out what needs to get out.

Mid-year Check-In:

  1. How am I doing? (Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually) Be gentle with yourself and feel free to use the Wheel of life tool that some of you may have used before. If you haven’t, please do – it’s a great tool to quickly scan the various areas in your life and assess how you’re doing.
  2. Go through each month and note the most memorable moments.
  3. What went well? What went really well?
  4. What didn’t go so well? What can you learn from it?
  5. What has surprised you during the first 6 months of the year?
  6. Are my priorities still the same as at the start of the year? If not, what has changed? What needs more of my attention in the coming months? And what is just not important anymore?
  7. What do you want for the second half of the year? What will you recommit to? What will you let go off?
  8. How do I want to feel by the end of the year?

Give yourself this gift of dedicated time and focus for just you. It really pays off to slow down life for a bit and see how you’re doing. When we can reconnect to ourselves, and become clear on what our priorities are (and why!), it’s like we put a full tank of motivation and energy fuel into the engine again.

Restoration and reflection are crucial to our ability to move forward and achieve our dreams and aspirations. And don’t be afraid to change your priorities and adjust in whatever way is necessary. Your personal success ultimately is dependent on continuously checking in with yourself and following your own path to happiness.

Are you having enough fun?

“Huh? What? Of course!” you may think. And if that’s you, my friend, I’m not talking to you. I live with someone who will prioritise fun in life over any serious business. In fact, he doesn’t take life too seriously most of the time. And as somewhat of a “serious-addict”, this has given me some much-needed balance in life. Plus he’s quite funny, so lots of smiles to be had throughout the day, even if his impersonations of various characters drives me bonkers from time to time.

No, this piece is for the serious, hard-working (dare I say workaholics?), time should always be spent in a useful way kind of people. Present company included. Now I really don’t mind hard-work, I enjoy it… until I don’t. And then I don’t in a big way. I get cranky, a little resentful, and personal practices like meditation that I know are good for me go out the window.

And all the while, I’m in control. I could say no, I could not take on more, I could just put away the laptop and go do something fun.

And yet I don’t.

It’s easier for me to retreat back into work, there’s always something else to do, another topic to delve into, another book to read, another commitment I have made to someone else that I will hold myself accountable to.

What I’m really doing is being completely absent-minded from the life that is taking place right now, right in front of me. My life is taken over by an endless list of to do’s, commitments that have been made in the past or need to be done in the future. And whatever it is, it keeps me from being present in the moment and the life that is here.

To have pure fun?

I sometimes forget what that even means to me. Spending time with friends is an absolute yes, but other than that? Hobbies? I don’t think I’ve ever really had many. I was recounting this to some friends the other day, until one of them point blank asked me:

“Are you having fun?”

And the reality was that I had to say no.

What a shocker.

Because really, if we’re not having fun and experiencing joy in our lives, what’s the point?

Now fun isn’t the biggest happiness denominator for me, overall meaningfulness still tops the chart. And fun is a very meaningful component of that.

So I’ve made a commitment to myself. To do at least one fun thing a day, big or small. Something that has no other purpose than to bring me joy. Because joy is ultimately the nourishment and food my soul needs to do its best work and live my best life. And because I want to slow down life, so I can take as much of it in as I can.

My life is not a list of action points. My life consists of all the small little moments where I take in what this life is really about for me. The time I spend with friends, the pleasure and yes, sometimes the sorrows I experience on the adventure of life, the places I travel to, the experiences I can have, and yes, also the work that I do.

If you’re feeling a little stuck in a rut, and want to create more fun and joy in your life, try some of the following:

What will really matter to you in the end?

  • Give yourself permission. Understand that fun and taking breaks are essential to your health and happiness. Schedule time on your calendar for fun activities and make these a priority. Once you’ve scheduled this time, you will also focus more on the work that you actually have ahead of you. Knowing that you also have other activities planned, allows you to focus more on the task at hand.
  • Try to remember what you enjoyed as a kid. What things did you consider fun then? Make a list and try these things again. It might take a bit of practice again, but you’ll get back into it. Just give it a shot.
  • Pick up the phone. And no, not to check your social media. To call a friend and say, let’s go do something fun. A walk on the beach, a chat over coffee, a yoga class, or whatever rocks your boat. Friends, family, and community are essential parts of what makes a life meaningful and fun.
  • Go do something you’ve never done before. I love to dance, but it had been quite a while. So I drove myself off to a dance studio nearby and tried something completely different: dancehall! Yes, I shook my booty, I looked rather silly, and I had a ton of fun.

I usually find that when I come off-balance, it’s because I’ve moved away from myself and have started living other people’s priorities or have simply lost track of why I’m doing what I’m doing. Slowing life down to assess and adjust your life again to what matters most is therefore essential. So take that time and take the responsibility, your life is in your own hands! And while you’re at it, don’t forget to shake your booty!

Photo by Kristopher Roller.

How to become more resilient when life is hard

Life can be difficult sometimes. It’s part and parcel of our existence. Our lives are in constant flux, we experience the highs and the lows in a constant ebb and flow that together makes up the fabric of our experience.

Life is change. Nothing ever stays the same, it’s the nature of our existence. So will the days that feel difficult. But what can we do when life feels really hard to move through this and become more resilient?

Resiliency refers to our ability to deal with life’s ups-and-downs, and how quickly and well we can respond to stress and difficult events. All of us will face hard times, sometimes small events, sometimes big life experiences that can leave us gasping for air, wondering whether we will make it through.

There is always a way through and with practice and effort, you can increase your ability to roll with the punches. Sometimes this will happen quickly, yet other times, it will take time and they may even leave us a scarred. Yet it is also exactly these events and scars, that can serve us most powerfully and make us the people we are.  If we choose to learn and if we choose to take responsibility for our own lives.

Some of the toughest times in my life have also allowed me to become a more resilient, stronger person with a deeper appreciation of life.

These are the stories of our lives, the layers of our personality, that if we choose to make them so, can allow us to become our own heroes in the story of our life.

So how do we become more resilient and learn to flow with whatever life gives us?

  • Be kind and compassionate with yourself. When emotions are running high, be patient with yourself, giving yourself the time, space and care you need. Denying that you have been hurt only prolongs the pain that you might be going through. Can you find space to allow these emotions? To express them to others, on paper, or in whatever other outlet you might have? How can you treat yourself like you would a close friend?
  • Take care of yourself. This seems like a no-brainer right? But how often do we allow ourselves to crumble under the weight of what is happening? Not eating healthily, not moving our bodies, not reaching out to loved ones. It’s almost as if we’re saying, I give up. With every act of self-care, you’re saying, I love you, I care for you. This is the time when you need it most. Take care of yourself like nothing else, prioritise your own health and well-being.
  • Take responsibility for your own life. Regardless of what might have caused the event, and it may not be something that is in your control, you will have to take responsibility for your own life. This is one of the most powerful realisations you can have:

your response to an event determines the outcome of an event

You choose whether you will be defined by the events. Will you let yourself be dragged down or will you choose to rise to the occasion?

  • Focus on what you are grateful for. This can be tough when life has thrown you a curveball. Focusing our attention on what is working, on what we do have, on the people that are in our lives, can really change our perspective from what we don’t have to what we do. There are so many things that we can always be grateful for. The fact that we are still alive, that we are still breathing each morning, that each every day the sun comes up.
  • Find meaning in the learning. What can you learn from this event? What is life trying to teach you? What is it that needs to change and how can you do so? Taking time to learn from all your experiences infuses your life with a deeper meaning and direction. Sometimes this can take quite a long time, but often the most difficult hardships in life give you the biggest lessons. If we can allow ourselves to look back at the events with a sense of curiosity.
  • It’s not all about you. What that means is that life doesn’t always happen to you. We are small specks on this vast planet of ours. The events of our lives are not always about us. While that may be difficult sometimes, herein also lies the power of acceptance. Sometimes we have no choice other to accept, but again, we always have a choice in how we respond.
  • Get closer to your fear. Resiliency is like a muscle. If we can expose ourselves to pain and fear, we will become more accustomed to feelings of discomfort, allowing ourselves to grow each time. Develop confidence in your ability to handle whatever may come. This confidence again grows each and every time you expose yourself to whatever it is that you might be scared of. The trick here is to start small. This might not work when we are in the full throttle of hardship, but resiliency can be practised in small ways each and every day.
  • Share with others. When we can share our experiences, receive love and care, we can feel strengthened by the support given by others. Allowing others to see what is going on with us, can bring us closer to each other. This doesn’t mean that you have to share everything with everyone around you, but find that special friend, that small circle of people you truly love and trust, and allow them to support you.

If you’re reading this at a time when life feels so very hard, I feel for you. Know that this too shall pass. One day you will look back and understand the deeper meaning of why this happened to you and what life was trying to teach you. Life is a perfect imperfection, a constant flow, it cannot help but change.

How can you use what life is giving you to become the stronger and more courageous one?

Stay strong beautiful one.

How to receive gracefully

Until we can receive with an open heart, we can never really give with an open heart. – Brene Brown

For many of us, it’s easy to give. We give our time and attention. We find ways to help others, we give money, presents and compliments. And we do it because it feels good and we want to live up to the values that are important to us. There is something incredibly gratifying and fulfilling about helping another.  (If you haven’t done it, try it!)

But so often, it isn’t the same story with receiving. Our first reaction is often to decline the gift of attention and care, or if we are in receipt, to feel uncomfortable with what we are receiving. I’ve been grateful to have many opportunities to receive in different ways, but somewhat embarrassingly I must admit that my ability to receive with grace and gratitude has been quite abysmal.

So what is it about receiving gifts of attention, time and care that can make it hard to accept and how can we do better?

  • Our inability to receive may at its heart come from feelings of unworthiness. We can feel as if we’re undeserving or as if we’re imposing on someone else. Yet what happens when we do this is that we only confirm our own belief about who we are. We believe we are unworthy of this care, so we decline it or push it away in some other way, which diminishes the gift of receiving and confirms what we believe to be true about ourselves.
  • We may perceive the support given as a sign of our weakness and inability to do something ourselves. It can feel like there is an underlying power dynamic at play. We want to believe that we are independent, and do not need help, so we refuse it. The help offered makes us feel weak and vulnerable.
  • We are worried that there might be an expectation of reciprocity, that we somehow might now owe a debt. The way we receive often reflects something about the way we give. Look into the way you give, do you have any underlying assumptions somewhere deep down?

To give and to receive. They are two sides of the same coin. One can’t exist without the other. By not receiving we are out of balance. How can we give truly and freely when we can’t accept with grace and gratitude? How can we do better?

  • Give the gift of giving. Realise that the person who is giving is, may, in fact, be the one who might be receiving more. How great does it feel to be able to support someone else? To be the one who your friend turns to when they need help? When you can ask and accept someone’s help, you are honouring who they are and what they have to offer.
  • Understand and know that you are worthy of receiving. We all need help from time to time. Simply say thank you and feel the gratitude within. The gratitude you can extend to another is a great gift in and of itself. And when it is the right time, you, in turn, can extend the giving in some way to another person and continue the cycle of giving and receiving.
  • Giving and receiving builds intimacy. Help build closer relationships with those around you by showing your vulnerability, understanding our interdependence and accepting the offer of help. When we can share our vulnerability we are saying, we are all at heart the same. By giving and receiving, we build closer relationships. The more vulnerable we can be with each other, the closer we become.

The reality and beauty of our lives is that we are all dependent on each other – it’s the nature of our existence and as human beings, we seek connection with each other.

Look around you now. The laptop or phone you’re reading this on, the chair you’re sitting on, the clothes you’re wearing, that cup of coffee you just had. Just think about all the different people that have worked together to help create this. Look at your family and friends, the loved ones around you who help make up the life that you have.

Our power lies in the fact that together we are so much more than we are alone.

Working together, supporting each other, doesn’t come from a place of weakness, it helps us to do and be more for ourselves and for each other. Learn to accept with grace and gratitude, and from that place of wholeness, you, in turn, can give to another – and build a closer community around you while doing so.

 

 

Witnessing the self through meditation

It’s quite the revelation isn’t it? To sit down, be still and feel the words ‘I am pure joy’ come up. I wasn’t sure what I was going to find when I went on a 4-day silent retreat last week in the mountains of Bali. I joined a group of women, led by Shira van Spanje from Frameless Feminine, in silence at the beautiful Sanak Retreat, nestled in between rice fields. A tad nervous at what might come, but more than anything curious at what might unfold and present itself.

Our days in silence were ceremonially opened with a blessing at a holy spring with a Balinese priest. In the following days, we were guided in silence to meditate throughout the day. Group meditations were interspersed with individual sessions, massage and the most relaxing sound healing by Shervin Baloorian.

It isn’t often that we immerse ourselves in the wide open space of silence. And open it is…. Thoughts come rumbling through at high-speed, clamoring for attention, one shouting louder than the other. But the breath is a powerful instrument. By focusing your attention on the breath, you can each and every time find your way back to yourself. Letting go of every thought that passes by, and coming back to the breath each and every time. And eventually, the thoughts and busyness die down and a feeling of contentment and peacefulness comes through. It doesn’t always last, but for the moments it did, there was a deep inside knowing that all was well.

What perhaps surprised me the most was that I suddenly remembered a story my mother used to tell me about when I was a child. As a young girl, I happily skipped home from school down the street, each day passing the window of a neighbouring painter. Eventually, the artist approached my mother and asked whether he could do a painting of me as he wanted to capture the joyous little girl on canvas. The painting never happened, but for whatever reason, the image of this little girl just came back to me, reminding me of who I am within. Still that girl, skipping along, content and joyful with life. Just simply being!

I forget sometimes that this too is who I am. I think we all forget sometimes. We get bogged down by ‘adult’ life, work and responsibilities. But within us all is still that child, careless and free, skipping down the street, just enjoying the adventure of life as it is.

To feel that she is still within me was such a precious experience. A beautiful reminder that I want to let joy be my compass in life rather than the focus of achievement or some goal in the future. Really, I just want to skip my way through life. I forget sometimes, focusing so much on doing things the right way that joy goes out the window. Yet I truly believe that success and achievement will come as a result of the joy, love, and pleasure that we put into the things we do.

Joy comes from the simple daily things that we experience in life, the people we meet, the experiences we share. The everyday moments that pass by so quickly and that are easy to miss if we don’t pay attention. Happiness doesn’t come from the extraordinary moments in life, it comes from how we experience the everyday moments that together make up a life.

The benefits of meditation have been scientifically proven and without a doubt, they are huge ranging from stress reduction, increased focus, reduced anxiety, increased empathy and compassion to increased creativity. Personally, I believe meditation allows you to slow down life and to approach with a much greater sense of clarity. Meditation creates the mental and emotional space to respond to life rather than react, putting you squarely in the driving seat. It allows you to reconnect to yourself, to really see how you are doing and tap into your own inner wisdom – and isn’t that a beautiful space to be?


Further information

For more information on Frameless Feminine Silent Retreats, please contact the lovely Shira van Spanje. For me, Shira is the personification of pure joy. She comes from a place of deep intuition and brings such warmth and energy, you can’t help but love her.

For more information on the wonderful sound healings by the gentle and warm Shervin Baloorian, please see his website. I still can’t explain what happened during the session I had with him, other than that I have never been so deeply relaxed.

Meditation: Enjoy the Silence

When is the last time you sat in silence? Removed from the everyday hustle and bustle, and created a space to sit and be still, to meditate? To observe your thoughts, to really sink into your body and see what is going on?

Next week the Balinese will be celebrating their new year Nyepi or Day of Silence. As the name suggest, the day is celebrated in total silence and the island is in shut-down mode for the entire day. Lights are not allowed, nor is there to be any working, entertainment, or travel. The only people allowed on the street are the pecalang, the local security, who monitor adherence. It is one of the most important days on the island, and I marvel at the fact that the entire island will participate. Can you imagine your hometown or country doing the same thing?

I will be celebrating the day myself at a silent retreat, led by the lovely Shira van Spanje from Frameless Feminine. She will be guiding us during 4 days in a quiet space of silence and reflection. No speaking, no reading or writing, just quiet time and meditation (and perhaps a massage too… )

Meditation has become a key part of my daily practices to keep me grounded and focused. This doesn’t mean that I sit willingly every day, I sometimes struggle with the idea of sitting still and allowing whatever there is to be there. Meditation is the space where I meet myself most, and sometimes it’s more tempting to run from whatever might be lurking underneath. I find excuses in being too busy, or just needing to do something else first. The trick is to catch myself in exactly those moments. It is often the time when meditation is most beneficial.

So often, we spend our lives running towards what gives us pleasure or running away from whatever we don’t like. Yet our greatest power comes when we can see our reality for what it is. Meditation allows us to check in with ourselves, make conscious decisions about how we want to spend our time and how we want to show up in life. We can hit the breaks on the speed of life, savouring the small moments that together make a life.

It is the space where you meet yourself most, and where you can find your own answers within. The answers that have always already been there, you might just not have heard your own inner voice yet. For me, this is true empowerment. It is away from all that you hear around you, to listening to what is within.

So from Sunday on, I will sit and be still, and allow whatever is there to become visible and make the journey within. So with that, I bid you adieu for the moment, I’ll be logging off completely during these days. Stay tuned and I’ll look forward to sharing what I learn following the retreat…

Photo credit: Kristina Flour

The doorway to confidence is vulnerability

Life is a daring adventure. Or nothing at all. – Helen Keller

Life is an adventure, or that’s how I like to see it. It’s just that once in a while I hit a snag on this adventure that I’m not so keen on. And this particular snag I know a little too well.

Call it lack of confidence, self-doubt, fear of failure, it’s often there, lurking in the background – ready to come in as the uninvited guest to the party. We’ve known each other for some time now, and while we’ve become much closer, we’re not quite best friends yet. Self-doubt has the uncanny ability to make me feel vulnerable. I wish it away, asking myself why I’m not more confident, wanting the feeling to just go away.

But the moment I expand, grow or even start thinking about doing something new, there it is, showing up as one of my most loyal friends. I’ve come to realise that this friend is always going to show up to the party in some way or other – so we might as well find a way of hanging out a little more comfortably.

I also know that I’m not alone in having these feelings. It’s just something we’re often not open about. Saying out loud that we’re feeling less than confident, feels like a taboo – especially in a cultural setting where slogans like “Just Do It” are still the king of the stage.

We’re told to be confident, or we won’t succeed. What does that mean for those of us who aren’t always feeling the most confident? Are we doomed to fail from the start? Is it something that is only reserved for the fearless few?

Of course not. These are the stories we keep telling ourselves to keep ourselves playing small.

Confidence can be gained. It’s something we can acquire over time through effort, changing our mindset around what it means to be confident, and by opening up the conversation, which we don’t often do. Self-doubt comes with feelings of vulnerability that we don’t like to feel, see or talk about.

Yet it’s also precisely this vulnerability, or our willingness to feel this discomfort, that will allow us to become more confident. To feel more confident, we need to take action that takes us out of our comfort zone – and that means getting uncomfortable.

And while I will be the first one to admit, that I’m still not the most loudly confident of people, I’ve come to learn some things that have helped me change my story around confidence:

• You might lack confidence in some areas, but that there will be plenty of areas where you are confident. Simply understanding that your self-doubt is not all encompassing can already change your perspective. OK, I may not feel confident in this part of my life, but here I’m ok. Look back and see how you were able to become confident in one area? What did you have to do? What mindset did you adopt?

Recognize the inner voice of self-doubt as an important guidepost. Feelings of lack of confidence will pipe up right at the moment when you are about to expand, grow or do something new. It means that you’re actually heading in the right direction and that this is something that will allow you to grow.

Stop waiting and move into action. Don’t get stuck in the confidence trap. There will not be a day that magically appears when you will feel confident enough to do something. It’s the other way around. Practice, practice, and practice again. Develop the skill set, become competent, then you become confident.

Confidence comes from moving forward and taking action. To do that means that you will have to go through feelings of discomfort, which are an inevitable part of life. Avoiding uncomfortable feelings, like vulnerability, will keep you stuck, which ultimately could be the much bigger price to pay. If we can recognize that discomfort is temporary and part of our general shared experience, you can and will work through it.

• Manage the inner critic, regulate your self-talk and be compassionate. It’s not abnormal to have a strong inner critic, it’s just part of who we are. Rather than trying to ignore this voice, see what it’s trying to do. Most often, your inner critic is trying to protect you from something. Bring compassion to yourself. Something I often ask my clients is, what is it that you need to hear right now? How can you speak to yourself in a way that is more empowering and supportive?

Break down your bigger goals into smaller steps. Stretch yourself, but don’t over stretch. If we’re looking up at the mountain to climb, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and discouraged. Break it down into smaller steps, and you’ll find that things just feel and become a little easier. Booking small successes will increase your confidence. You don’t need to find all the answers right now. Just ask yourself, what is the one thing that I can do right now that will have the most impact?

Reframe failure. Yep, this is a hard one for many, present company included. Fail, fail, fail again. Get up, fail again. Repeat. Learn how to fail without feeling like a failure. If something doesn’t work, what you have is feedback about what worked and what didn’t. Learn from the experience, and try something different. Repeat.

The true failure is to not try, to not chase after your dreams, to not do the things that are meaningful to you.

• Develop resiliency. Persist, and learn to shake off uncomfortable feelings. Stop believing the myth that just a select few of us are destined for greatness, and that greatness is innate. It’s not. It’s learned, it’s fought for, it’s earned. It takes hard work, and perseverance.

• Work on your mindset and develop faith in your ability to grow and learn. Rather than focusing your thoughts on whether you can do it, ask the question: what do I need to learn to do this? Confidence will come from the competence that you develop as you learn. Buddhists will say “adopt a beginner’s mind”, be unassuming, open, approach things with curiosity and a willingness to learn.

Breathe into the fear. Say what? Yes, stay with it. This is not one of those empty sentences. Take a moment to just feel whatever it is you’re feeling. Don’t start doing other things. Be with it. Feel it. Where is it in your body? Direct your attention to that area and breathe into it. See whether you can give it more space. While it may feel as if the fear and anxiety will get bigger, giving it more breathing space, will actually allow the feelings to dissipate a little quicker. Your nervous system will calm down, allowing you to take the next step.

• Share how you’re feeling with people you trust. Dare to be vulnerable, dare to show what’s really going on. Allow yourself to be supported by others. You don’t have to do this all alone, and you aren’t alone in what you’re feeling and experiencing. Have the courage to open up and see what you will receive in return.

Confidence for me at the end of the day is much more about knowing who we are and having the courage to show up, and live according to what is important to us – despite the feelings of self-doubt. I actually think we don’t need to feel confident to go out there and live our lives in the best way possible. The confidence will come as a result of the action we take, the moment we move forward and live the intentional life. Our power resides in our ability to make conscious choices. We are so more powerful than we realise. So take a deep breath, and move forward – you’ve got work to do!

Photo credit: Cristina Gottardi